life

Today is July 13, 2022—there is a Capricorn full moon above and it is a Wednesday.

This is a shifting point in my life. I think in all aspects really. Astrologically and in general. Such as I just recently graduated from the University of North Florida (swoop! Go Ospreys! Ozzie-Ozzie-Ozzie!) with a degree in English. So I am now at a place where I am looking for a job in the major I chose which is truly wild to be on the other side of the bridge. As in graduated college—to be a twenty-two year old. But I can acknowledge I am young! As young as the night sky! As young as I will ever be! Which is daunting but freeing.

And that is where I am in most forms of my life—on the tightrope of change. I mean I guess you truly cannot miscalculate life in the same way one could metaphorically lose their balance in this metaphor, and die. But maybe in an aspect change is death. Death of something I suppose. What life once was. There is this great Paul Simon quote I have found myself recently taken by that goes “nothing is different, but everything’s changed” from his album Suprise. I feel like it captures the essence of how change feels. It is always the same yet never twice. Even in our memories is something slightly shifted. But there is hope in understanding.

Often I go back through my memories and try and understand experiences from almost an outside point of view. It has helped a lot with realizing why we as humans make choices. Most of it comes from an unconscious response from environmental reactions generationally passed on—rather than the spirit of that person. Or at least I like to view it this way, that there is always a way to help heal rather than believe someone is too far gone.

I think as the youngest child, and a Libra rising, I always feel this desire to not be left out so it translates to feeling like there is a purpose for me in bringing people along. My parents have this metaphor about how life is a bus and you choose the people you want on the bus but like what if I want my bus to be a huge party bus and everyone’s invited? Obviously there would be a section for partying but the front would be a calm library area because that is my kinda party some nights, and then the middle area would be a movie theatre with concession stands on both sides for the party goers and the book readers to get an icee, then the last one would be an actual party bus! Anyways my imagination wanted to run and I let it!

I feel that is the thing about being twenty-two, it’s allowing my inner child to play without judgment. It honestly took me years to get here and I am so excited for how much fun life is going to become the more my inner child plays! That’s why I am honoring doing what I want because it’s fun and there’s everything to garner from it. Capitalism has sold us this belief that only once we have the checklist things will we be truly successful and I do not want to live in that realm!

I currently as of this moment—with less than one hundred dollars in my bank account and less than that if you subtract my credit—am just as worthy and success and whole and significant and sublime as I will ever be! There is no place to get to; such as I am already there. I know I will be successful because I am already successful! It is less a state of mind and more a state of being, that existing just as I am, is always enough.

Anyways I have so much art to get out and I am thrilled about it! I am just a bit nervous because it is vulnerable and transparent and perfectly my own experience bottled into a piece outside myself. I have been taunted by this word perfect recently when working on some songs because I realize I am a perfectionist when I am really working on something which I assign to my Virgo Venus. This is something I am working on shaking because humans just enjoy seeing other humans finding joy! It is less about creating a perfect masterpiece and more about making something that captures a feeling. And sharing it is that leap of faith, the undressing, the undoing of perfectionism. Because I want to keep pushing out work my whole life. I do not want to be stumped upon other works with the intention of finding perfection.

I want to be a walking canvas of my heart—which is always changing and always tender. I have so much to share and the desire for it to no longer just be mine. I feel like I have figure it out. That I will never actually figure it out and that’s the catch. There is no chasing God when you are already within it. So I understand I am always exactly where I need to be. And that’s how every story begins.